My night with a prostitute
OMG... the craziest things happened to me today!!! If you wish to hear my stupid stories for the day, I hope you can get comfortable because this blog is freekin massive and u wll probably sleep before u finish it, but... read on if u wish...
All week, I have been feeling kinda crook, not quite right in my body, and I have had a sore stiff back in the mornings. Sooo, me being the super-smart boy that I am, I thought, I know... I will fix it... "I NEED A MASSAGE"!!!
I jumped off the computer in a hurry, and realised that if I hurried a little bit, I could get to McDonalds before it closes at midnight... Being soooo hungry from a long day of house hunting and undersized pastas, the thought of a nice fat Big Mac made me get ready oh so much faster. And so I was out the door and walking pretty quick, expecting a massive feast when I got to McDonalds. I was going thru the menu in my mind and trying to think what I should order and what would cost what... I finally settled on a Big Mac burger, 2 apple pies and a chocolate thickshake (or sundae), and continued on my way. I started to have flashbacks of seeing the movie documentary "super size me" and imagining myself as a huuuuge fatty man walking down the same roads in china, rushing to McDonalds before it closed... such a scary thought. :$ :S But then I also started having flashbacks of my video link from my last blog (which happens to be just yesterday) which was of Ashton Kutcher and Sean William Scott in "Dude, wheres my car?" and it made me laugh, and I forgot about being that huge fat man... After what seemed like fooooorever ,but was actually only about 3.5 minutes, I arrived at McDonalds front entrance at a respectable time of 11:56pm (4 minutes to spare) and stood outside. Looking in, I could see action... there was a man moving around, and someone else there also. I got excited and hurried towards the door, the only thing stopping me from my huge planned feast of McDonalds fatty finest. I confidently walked forwards, grabbed the handle with such anticipation, took a breath and stepped forward...
*BANG* - RIGHT INTO the door, which was locked.
Pulling my face from the cold metal of the entry door of McDonalds, my eyes slowly gathered focus from my violent attack by a stationary door, and they eventually settled on a chinese man who seemed to be coughing very violently. Staggering myself, while I gathered my balance and checked to see if I still had all my teeth, I used my amazing human technology to figure out what was wrong with this poor old chinese man coughing so ferociously. I could see him bent over and panting so deeply and uncontrollably but then... he lifted his right hand slowly... and started pointing at me... and then bent over for another round of some kind of apparent asthma attack. This man was going to die if I couldnt help him, Oh My God, what can I do? I am trapped outside of McDonalds when I'm really hungry (NITEMARE!!!) AND there is a man on the inside dying, and I cant save him... :S :O (SUUUUUUPER NITEMARE!!!!!!)
But then I shook my head a little in panic, and looked again... the almost dead man was now standing up and waving his left hand towards me. I didn't know what to do, but I just waited... suddenly, 3 guys came running to his help!!! OMG, he was gonna be saved, its a miracle! :D I thanked God and waited for some action. The dying man then started gesturing something kinda crazy and shaking his body hard and stuff and a weird look crossed the faces of the 3 people listening to him. The original guy suddenly stopped shaking, then all four people turned towards me, one a time, and then they ALL started pointing at me... and laughing.
It was then that I realised that the dying man was not coughing nor dying at all. He was laughing because he saw me walk into the door and almost knock myself out. They were all pointing and laughing at me, slapping each other on the backs with laughter and 'doinking' themselves on the forehead with their hands explaining to me what they were laughing at. I was the joke of the hour, the day, or maybe even the year.
What could I do??? I was locked out of my salvation for a decent meal tonite AND from a chance to punch those 4 guys on the nose and see if they like how it feels. I did the only thing I could do. I turned around and walked away, sobbing quietly...
I guess its a good thing that I have found a new place to move, because I dont think I could go back to that McDonalds for a loooong time, I guarantee those 4 guys who were laughing told the WHOOOOOLE staff about what happened, and I was bound to be laughed at again and again, forever haunting McDonalds folk history until the death of McDonalds in 2026.
Its all true, apart from the sobbing part... *sniff sniff*
Aaaaaaanyway... thats not even the half of my crazy nite... I haven't had my massage yet... but I am getting to that now...
insert "ENTER ripple flashback" slide
I had been to this place before with a friend who was complaining of a bad back, but who was toooo shy to go to a massage parlour by herself. I went with her becauase I have had some massages before, no worries, no issues... so after some walking, we found this place and after sussing it a little and finally declaring it a "NON SHADY MASSAGE PARLOUR" we went inside. Friendly, pleasant and decidedly NON SHADY MASSAGE girls were my first impressions of this place and we both got settled into some massages in a hurry and without any effort.
insert *time-lapse-during-a-flashback" slide
After the massage I felt great, I was refreshed and comfortable but not without a sense of 'something wasn't quite right there' feeling... I asked my friend how she felt, and she said it was a good massage (she had the japanese and I had the chinese style of massage) and she said even though she laughed alot, hers was great and her back felt much better. I said mine was cool and the girl had some nice and funky moves, some I had never felt before and some i liked... but I also said that the girl massaged the insides of my legs waaaaay too high and made it quite, errr... uncomfortable and I was left wondering why she gave me a pretty intense ass massage. After laughing about it uncomfortably for a little while, we forgot about it and moved on...
Insert "EXIT ripple flashback" slide
And so I arrive to the massage place today, alone, a little weary from a long walk and worried that it will be a nitemare to get the massage I want (my chinese is terrible...if u DON'T know) and went thru the door. I ordered slowly but confidently the massage I wanted, and it was business as usual, no dodgey looks or shady stuff.
Getting into the massage it was business as usual and I was feeling very sleepy after 2 minutes of head massage and then some shoulder-arm-hand-finger massage which was also pretty standard (even tho her left hand was stronger than her right)... but then... she started on the leg massage...
I don't really want to go into toooo much detail of this, because it aint pretty... but after I jumped a mile during what I can only call "super-excessively high inner-leg massage" the girl stopped and grabbed a card, with chinese writing and some numbers (cash amounts) and I looked at it, and then at the girl blankly. She then used her amazing intellect, realised I'm not Chinese and that I AM just another dumb foreigner, and she read it for me...
But first of all, before I say this, can I just add that I was soooo impressed with my Chinese at this point, because I understood EVERYTHIHNG she said!! Yeah, wooh, I'm sooooo cool! Ahem... aaaaanyhooo...
She said... Ni yao HEN shu fu amo ma? 198yuan? Which means, for all of you who DONT know, "do you want the VERY comfortable massage" *wink wink nudge nudge* and then she said, "take a shower and then the VERY comfortable massage"??? Yao ma?
I cleared my throat carefully... *cough cough*
"bu yao".
She did her best to convince me that it would be suuuuper comfortable and that I would be so happy about it.. but it didnt work... I just wanted my same great chinese style I got the last time I was at this place. And so with a sigh of *whatever* she went back to the normal massage I had wanted. But it was a different feeling and what WOULD have felt like a normal back rub or a leg massage felt much grosser, dirtier and less forgiving. Her actions were colder, brisker and I felt like I had just escaped something very devilishly tempting. I was proud of myself for not doing anything so stupid, and felt stronger like I could handle anything that life threw at me, no matter how tempting. As she finished my NON-SHADY-MASSAGE, I could almost feel the evil pouring off of her as I walked away...
Massage finished, I paid my bill (48rmb for one hour = bargain) and went home... end of story.
I don't really know why feel I should tell you of these stories I just told you. One makes me look very stupid and clumsy. The other makes me look stupid (again) and like a person who would do such things. I guess I should mention that I am not one of those guys, I have not and never will see a prostitute like that. Its horrible and so pitiful for both parties. I guess I should also mention that even tho I appear very stupid in these 2 stories, I am only very stupid SOMETIMES... not ALL the time.
It is a little late now, 5:22am and I really should be in bed. I didn't actually sleep at all last nite, it appears I am addicted to this blogging crap. This is my second blog in 2 days, but before that I didnt do any for 2 months, I must be soooo bored lately... OMG, this is a REEEEALLLY long blog... hahaha. I would be surprised if ANYONE even gets halfway thru it. I have changed the song, and put it on replay so u dont get tooooo bored... but also given u some funky links to new sites so u dont get toooo bored of reading all my crap.
Soooo... tell me what you think of my stories... am I good or bad? Stupid or not? I guess I cant say what I am, because it will always say I am the good things hahaha. :)
Take care everyone, keep urselves happy forever and love with ur head and ur heart in balance.
King G
ps. I put some pics of my old baby rabbit in here also, just to show you something cute after such bad stories.
This guy is my best friend in the world / he's close enough to by my brother and I just felt i had to rep this on my blog. Its a interesting story and i hope if you read it you learn something from it. I guess in life we all get into situations where we have to make a choice of what path or road your gonna take and it just proves that taking time to think about what your actually doing makes sense. Trust your gut seems to be the best.
and the Mac Donalds part is crazy funny i know exactly what door and where he is talking about we used to chill there all the time, but it does make you wonder if you should quit MD considering all the bad publicity wit the super size me DVD.
oh well G don't ever change your considerate caring nature most people would have just turned and laughed at the old man chocking to death, it's obvious that those boys and the man obviously have sad sad boring lives, and they should get back to mopping the floors and flipping the burgers!
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